*Originally published July 2020

I have been in Florida for three weeks now and I need to skype you for two reasons:

1. I am lonely

2. I need to know if Halimat is alive.

As the skype call rings I quickly scan my insides because I cannot lie when you ask me how I am doing.

How is your heart? You ask. Your question is a warm blanket I crawl into. “I’m hanging in there.” I say “ It is one thing to choose to be alone, and another thing to find lonely knocking on your door when you are trying to get some sleep.” I have been cradling this truth for days and I did not realize it was sagging at my knees. You offer a subtle sound from the bottom of your belly. A knowing.

I tell you I am in a town called Sarasota filled with older white people who come here to escape Canadian winters and bury their eyes in my skin when I walk by. I tell you about my neighbor-a former cop who told me not to worry about the trash invading racoons because he has a gun to scare them away. I know if he says he was aiming for the raccoon when he shot me they’ll believe him so I lock the deadbolt every night and peep through the hole before I go out. You spin your laptop around to give me a tour of your room. It is decorated with red lights tonight because you want to visit the red district in Thailand.“OMG in Thailand bread only cost 49c this is amazing”. We laugh. It is 8:08pm eastern time and we are soaring.

The lights in your room glow deep as we start to talk about Amrita. She has not seen her dad in 10 years because borders and laws so when you found out he died last week, you walked out of class because you needed a moment. It is just like you- to take a moment whenever you need it.

Halimat has not been answering my calls and you tell me that you came home to found her bags packed and her body missing. She has been living in your dorm room for 3months now so you can split the rent. Today is Friday and you will not start worrying until Monday. We talk about how you float through life unbothered and how I carry the world between my toes and how we need each other. We pray to God that we find jobs to fill our banks without making us leave our hearts at home.

Amrita is calling me on the other line and you blow all your love into a red balloon for us. One day, when Hamda returns, we will all pack our bags, we will move to Thailand, and we will survive.