Florida
I try to drink in this moment because it sounds like something you tell your kids. “When I was younger I lived in Florida for 2 months and the trees were this way and the water was that way and facts about the landscape that don’t matter.” I pause at the red light and take in the gentle blue sky, but tomorrow I will forget.
Instead, I will remember the brewing and growing. I will remember writing poems to my doctor back in California because all the tests came back negative and she does not take me seriously when I describe my pain. “Oct 8th, 8pm: I can barely stand up to cook and I want to. This CAN’T be nothing.” I will remember sharing bodily fluids with strangers in a packed bikram yoga room and refusing to return even though they try to convince me this is good for me. How can you know what is good for me when you don’t even know my last name? I will remember my trips to the goodwill, an extreme need to purge, to get rid of every article of clothing, every picture, every email that was a distraction from my core. I will remember pretending to sleep in the passenger seat so I did not have to make small talk and wishing for the confidence to sit in silence next time. I will remember one week when friends on two different continents ask “how can I be praying for you” . I will remember I broke down crying because I was living on borrowed prayer.
I will remember eating honey crisp apples for the first time, tasting nasty ass healthy bread and vibing with the fluidity of ocean waves. I will remember the fear in my toes as I declared for the first time “I am a writer’, and the woman who held my dreams tenderly in her palms on Siesta Key Beach. I will remember reclaiming myself from the mouths of coworkers “I am not quiet. I am intentional with my words”, the beginning of a journey towards owning my existence, and owing nothing. I will remember glancing at the note I wrote myself before leaving California. “While you are in Florida, be there. Do not long for what you don’t have, do not long for where you can not be. Be there and be who God wants you to be. No fear No abandon”.
I will forget the damp layer of dew on my windowsill every morning, and the soft green and red hues kissing autumn leaves, but I will always remember my heart.
